Spinning

I feel trapped. Caught in this daily grind, between who I am now, who I could be, who I wish I was, and who I want to be. Each of these who's has multiple desires, some that conflict and some that play well together.

I am afraid.

Scared that each step I take towards one of these, takes me a step away from all the others. So I'm stuck here spinning in circles, looking for some direction. I know that many of my hopes, dreams and plans will be sacrificed in pursuit of others that will carry me down the path of my future. I hate it! This pulling and stretching and breaking of ME to fit into some mold, just so that I can pursue one of the things any of these who's want of me.

I want to dance till I cant stand,  travel till I've seen the world. I want to learn until my brain is full. 

I need to find love within myself. I need to change the world.

I need to MAKE A DIFFERENCE. 

But most of all I want to be happy with who I AM.

I remember watching someone give a Ted Talk on spoken poetry. She said that any good spoken poem starts with three truths. So here are mine,

1. No matter what I do, the Sun will rise tomorrow.

2. There are expectations for me to be successful financially, academically and socially. 

3. My deepest desire is to change the world.

You get torn apart if you're spread too thin. 

Yet that's the state my mind's been in. 

Having too many interests or cares to stop 

I have no passion that would drive me. 

Instead I dabble, and promise, and try to read further  

Always coming up short 

The strain starts to show

The cracks turn to rips as I think 

'She's Gonna Blow!!'

When you try to solve everyone's problems 

You have no strength left for your own. 

Hmmm..

When I first started this blog I decided that I wouldn't post unless I had something profound to say. This decision led to the sparse offerings that have been presented to you, my readers, this last year of blogging. Suffice to say I am convinced that it is time for a change, henceforth I will blog when I have something profound to say AND when my exhausted mind decides to randomly wander.

I make this decision in the spirit of NaNoWriMo. I'm sure many of you have heard of this movement that's been around for a few years, wherein average people try their hand at writing a 50,000 word novel or story during the month of November. A few of my friends that I see on a fairly regular basis, and I'm sure many of you that I don't, have taken on this arduous task. To those brave writers, I commend you!! It is impressive the amount of dedication it requires to undertake this task ~2000 words per day. Those who attempt this feat are pushed to the limits of their patience, endurance and creative genius in order to add to the literary world. 

Another literature related project I've been involved with is the creation and publication of the CU Literaria Society's 2012 Palimpsest Journal. It is a creative arts journal and I have been plugging it on a few social media sites for the last few months. This awesome journal consists of submissions from all over the world, ranging in formats, including: creative non-fiction, short stories, visual art and even musical scores. Palimpsest is a journal published by the CU Literaria Society.  In addition to this journal I'm helping to organize its publication celebration (Palimpsest Festival) which, if you're in Boulder on the 1st of Dec. you should check out. Its also never to late to start working on a piece to submit for 2013 at palimpsestjournal.com

The Tenth

So here we are, at my tenth blog.
I admit I am disappointed that it has taken me this long to get to this point. I would promise to do better in the future but honestly I know my blogging will continue to be sporadic at best.

Here's my confession, I prefer to put pen to page rather than spend my precious few moments of introspection in front of a computer screen. It is my belief that the art of writing, really, truly using all those things that elementary school teachers taught us about how to write well, is dying. For my own part I have asked my friends to write me letters to utilize my skills at writing a personal, unique letters in this world of Hallmark cards, quick Facebook posts and tweets. I feel that the instant communication enables a departure from that special connection with a particular person that is established when you take the time to sit down and hand write a letter. Granted, the world of instant communication has enabled people to be more involved in each others lives, despite being half a world apart. In my opinion it has also lead to more shallow 'friendships' rather than creating friendships that last a lifetime; it enables people to end friendships with the simple click of a button (or two), with minimal emotional impact.  Therefore, I have decided that if I truly want to develop a friendship with a person, over some sort of distance, I ask them to give me their address and to write me back.

Recently I participated in a project that required a TON of handwriting (readers who know about palimpsestjournal.com will see my handiwork [no pun intended] as part of the published journal cover come Dec. 1). I encountered that horrible monster that most commonly rears its head when you have to hand write multi-page essays for a test: hand cramping. Fortunately my friend Jono (who is left-handed) suggested a solution, writing with my non-dominant hand (for me my left hand). After a few sessions of writing with my left hand, and discovering that cursive is easier and neater than print, my writing became somewhat legible.

So to end this auspicious occasion of my 10th blog I will leave you with a challenge, send me a picture of something you wrote with your non-dominant hand. Don't be afraid, without some practice all non-dominant hand looks like a kindergartener wrote it so there will be no judgement :)

Would anybody noticed if one person just dropped off the face of the earth?

Would their dissappearance cause any commotion, any fuss?

Or would life just keep going on in the fluid motion surrounding us?

So i ask you now to take notice, pay attention.

There may be someone watching.

Desperately waiting for someone, anyone to notice.

Simply acknowledge thier presence.

So this is for those who are clinging to that possibility that someone will spend a moment to see you, talk to you.

We care.

Fairfarren All!!